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01:40am 05/03/2007
  i've been pining for some free & clear moments to read and organize and compose and meditate and even work, on do-it-in-my-own-time stuff at least, and film and write and practice piano, accompaniments at least, and shop and cook and talk and craft and etc. etc. etc. for ages, eons, and lifetimes, and now i'm finally having a few but all i find myself wanting to do is sleep. FUCKIT  
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Post-it notes and cigarette lighters   
11:32pm 21/01/2007
  Regardless of my opinions regarding albums with a song titled exactly as is the album itself, this entry is the most definitively title-exemplifying of the journal to date. I've made the most definitive mental Post-it note of my life to date, and re-pocketed the grandest lighter. If I try to keep going, I'll undoubtedly make exponentially decreasing amounts of sense, but I guess the one thing I might possibly explain is that I kept forgetting that I was okay with the world.  
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11:49pm 28/11/2006
  i know im not allowed to say it but OMG I AM SO DONE WITH C--erhm, this.  
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lowered art form   
12:53am 14/11/2006
  i'm loosening my bow and closing my computer and packing my shit and putting it in my locker and going to my past and laying in the cold and going to the house and packing my shit and going to lawrence and going to omaha and seeing the barenaked ladies and going to wichita and even if i'm not sick for the first time in a week and a half tomorrow i'm coming back and nothing will be better, things will have been amazing, but nothing will be better, my tenses are providing a disturbing existence.

i don't know what i'm doing, i know being happy and i am but i don't know how to justify it among my debris. eventually i have to justify it, i really do, and i'm not making that okay.
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I'm so done with this.   
01:06am 09/11/2006
  How am I not myself?.  
10:09pm 05/11/2006
  [things] = ridiculous

i'm behind in 998 classes (im taking a thousand but i dropped one and im doing fine in one)
saturday evening ben folds covered postal service's 'such great heights' and it cracked me the fuck up
saturday night it was weirdly intensely nice to see a thousand people from high school who somewhat don't exist (awh david <3 heh)
today i car-experienced all the music in the world but didn't play any fucking shit fuck fucker!
i'm losing at the universe
i soo lose period

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there're somethings about marry   
01:17am 03/11/2006
  i miss Nathaniel

i miss a lot of things

but on an almost entirely unrelated note, i don't freak out.
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09:44pm 02/11/2006
  Symphony musicians targets of vandalism  
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uh-huh uh-huh   
04:13pm 01/11/2006
  "I know if you're like me you want to get home quick and hide the razor blades in the candy, so..." - Maestro Mark Laycock

I had seven musical orgasms last week; related statistics aside, life is not shaping entirely shittily.

01:53am 23/10/2006
  my camera batteries died
and i had no replacements for them (unusual)

my phone battery died
and i never had both time and means to charge it (unbelievable)

my everything-else was entirely not-what-it-was-supposed-to-be
but this weekend, of which i have approximately seven pictures and throughout which i had a probable seven bits of outside-world communication
was sort of every reason why everything, i think.
10:03pm 09/10/2006
  Two weeks ago, I discarded the late draft of half a post about my personal apprehension regarding my educating in general, specifically expressed in my anxiety in planning to expose these kids to string instruments for the first time in most of their lives.

I've done it, now, though. Today was wonderful except for one pivotal dialogue between student and teacher. That's not even the point, though; that's dealt with entirely aside. The point is that I can not bear how deeply and singularly I want to teach music.


P.S. Mahler Symphony no. 1 this weekend - first standard Symphony concert of the season. Outrageously intense, unbelievable for a first program of the year. Likely to be a musical experience more powerful than most you (or I) 've ever had. I can only think of two or three better in my history. Go! Dare ye.
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too lazy to be personal   
03:35am 06/10/2006
  Anybody in the midwest in a few weeks want to go see ben folds in tulsa on november 4 (friday)?

I was gonna go to the lied center on the sixth with a friend but just realized that i have Symphony that week. The next closest show is in columbia (on saturday)...

Anyway, 30 bucks; call me or whatever.
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blue + educable   
06:10pm 02/10/2006
mood: (decidedly) calm
I only complete and save, like, a quarter of the normal posts I begin. I guess I'm condemned to delete emotionally obsolete drafts until the end. ANYWAY.

The fifteen year-old who said the following to me in his most recent addition to our correspondence has made my week once again (hardly for the first or last time). "It amazes me how simple man is and yet how complicated our spirits are. Our spirit. Yet that makes me wonder of our minds. How do we truly know evil and good. Christianity says its in our minds but what if i raised a kid of opposite values. Would he just feel it????"

On the surface, this likely deserves a big, 'Nice, yeah. Shrug, past it,' from us. But when youI think about it, it's impossible to get over how emotionally attracted I am to this kid's intense subconscious desire to punch through so many layers of maturity.

God, fuck! All I ever want is friends surrounding my age by decades in both directions and students who wander into categorical confusion regarding such relationship-implied boundaries.
(...) just go on anyway*   
10:59pm 14/09/2006
  i miss nathaniel

i also miss home in petaluma CA,
christmas, hope, practicing, lawrence, fascination, spanish, and lauren kennedy.

In no particular order... of course]
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10:00pm 26/08/2006
  http://www.sharmusic.com/itemdy00.asp?t1=IMT400&srccode=66FEXX80IMT400 ..crazipressive!?  
Chapter One . . . Why are you here?   
12:18am 25/08/2006
  "One might conjecture that college should teach a student to live, as evidenced by verbalizations demonstrating ability to analyze, criticize, and/or choose alternatives consistent with some value orientation; and to act, or behave consistently with one's verbalizations." - from Contemporary Music Education by Clifford K. Madsen & Terry Lee Kuhn (©1978). Discuss...?  
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walenta as usual   
10:41am 23/08/2006
  I didn't post in the heat of the moment, because I'm bound and determined to continue presenting rationality.

but even in retrospective rationality, I've given up, for the record. I give up! on everything. I give up. I don't care, I don't want to care, I can't care, I don't care. And to anyone who's preparing a "don't be like that" speech, fuck you, fuck off. I'm done. I'm sorry, I'm done, I don't care and I give up.
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No one's gonna take me alive:   
01:14am 18/08/2006
  This is the life I choose.  
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if i wasn't here   
03:16am 12/08/2006
mood: Like Spinning Plates
i miss nathaniel
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by the way   
06:59pm 02/08/2006
  For the people not connected to Matt's journal:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/5223520.stm !

In other news:
http://www.abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=2250293 lol.

There was something else but I forgot. Maybe later.

P.S. Alexxxaaa exists again tonight, crazy!.
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